Back to LIfe, Back to Reality (Almost)

I survived my first week back at work.

It was actually pretty nice to be back.  I love my job.  Just in case you don't know what I do -- I run the Affinity Federal Credit Union Foundation, which is the philanthropic arm of Affinity Federal Credit Union.  With 135,000 members, $2.3 billion in assets under management, and over 400 employees, we are the largest credit union headquartered in New Jersey.  Affinity is regularly voted among the best places to work in NJ -- last year we came in at #15.  Affinity takes great care of its employees.  In addition to the Cadillac of health plans, its generous leave policy made it possible for me to have weight loss surgery and take the time I needed to heal without causing a financial hardship.  In fact, it cost me virtually nothing (just my regular $20 co-pay for doctor's visits).

So I was excited to get back to work, back to my amazing team, and back to a more normal routine (though I did enjoy sleeping late, taking naps on the screen porch, and breathing in that refreshing sea air).  What I was not excited about, however, was food (I know, who would have ever thought those words would come out of my mouth!).

I really struggled with both the pre- and post-surgical liquid diets.  Moving to soft foods gave me more options, and wasn't bad when I was down the shore, and could eat or drink at my own pace.  I started reintroducing regular foods the same time I went back to work.  Regular for me, though, has a new definition -- mostly lean proteins in the form of fish, chicken, reduced fat cheeses, and eggs.  I have also discovered turkey jerky, which tastes great and has 13 grams of protein per ounce, though it is really hard to eat an entire ounce (another thing I would never had thought I would say!).

That is the crux of the challenge for me now -- getting in enough food to hit my daily protein goal of 60+ grams.  I can only manage to eat 2 - 2.5 ounces of food at a time.  Pushing it to 3 finds me running to the nearest ladies' room.  Same with drinking water too quickly, or too soon after I ate.  Fortunately, when something needs to come up, it is mostly liquid with just a tiny bit of food.  Unfortunately, I get very little warning, so I am becoming quite adept at choosing a seat closets to the door during meetings so that I can make a quick exit.  And of course this only happens when I am with other people.  Good thing I have great, understanding co-workers.

I don't really miss anything.  I haven't had tea or coffee since surgery, though as the weather starts to cool I think I might find myself yearning for a nice cuppa Irish tea.  My tummy has so little room in it that I am unwilling to waste it on any food that does not contain large amounts of protein.  Though I did have a moment yesterday, while I was in the grocery store. 

As I worked my way through the deli department looking for low-fat feta, I rain across a wheel of St. Andre -- a beautiful triple crème cow's milks cheese that is a little more intense, a little more buttery, and a little softer than brie.  I discovered this cheese during a visit to Seattle.  It pairs beautifully with smoked salmon, a warm crusty baguette, and a nice cold oaky chardonnay -- one of my favorite Friday evening meals, especially after a particularly busy week.  In that moment, I was sad.

But then I remembered how well I am doing.  As of today I am down 33.6 pounds, and my blood sugar is hovering between 116 and 121 -- almost normal!  I am able to walk with relative ease, even choosing parking spots that are further away from the entrance of whatever building I am going to.  I am regularly walking over 5,000 steps a day -- not the recommended 10,000, but given that less than a month ago a couldn't walk from here to there without getting winded, I am pretty proud of myself.

Where the rubber meets the road

Tomorrow I begin the all-liquid phase of surgery prep.  From tomorrow through August 11, I can have just three, milk-based protein shakes a day.  I can supplement this with tea or coffee, other no-calorie drinks, chicken or beef broth, sugar-free Jell-o and sugar-free ice pops.  And all the water I want.  For the first time in this process, I am scared.

Let's be honest here -- if I was any good at limiting what I eat, I would not be in the situation I am in, nor would I be undergoing such extreme measures to lose weight.  What if I try this and fail?  And if I can't maintain control for this week, what does that mean for me post-surgery?

Different people prepare for this step in different ways.  Some taper their shake-intake.  That had been my plan, and for the most part, I have been having a shake most days for breakfast.  I had hoped to increase that to two shakes a day this past week, but I decided to have a food funeral instead.  So for the last week, I've chosen foods that I love and have lived on, and enjoyed them one last time.

Interestingly, I found that I didn't love the foods as much as I thought.  I had a Big Mac and fries; I can live without them.  Sesame chicken, a staple, actually gave me an upset stomach.  The falafel sandwich I had been dreaming about didn't taste nearly as good as I remembered.  And I think I have had my fill of pizza for a long, long time.  My birthday burger and cosmo where great, but they were special occasion foods, so I am pretty okay with not having them again any time soon.

I am hoping that post-surgery, when I can go back to solid foods (about four weeks out), that I will be able to tolerate other foods I love, which are much healthier -- fish, eggs, vegetables.  I've never been a big red meat or pork eater, and I only eat chicken if someone else cooks it -- and even then there are no promises.  It does mean that I will need to plan better, make sure I have healthy food in the house, which can be cooked quickly.  I will need to remember to snack in the afternoon, so that I am not ravenous when I get home from work.

Focusing on the positives will help, starting with walking my dog.  Piper gets so excited whenever I pick up her leash -- she actually starts dancing!  And doing things, without wondering about whether or not I can get from the car to my final destination without huffing and puffing and sweating like a pig.  One of the things that I hope will keep me distracted during the difficult times is to create a list of things I want to do.  Some will be small -- walking to the library or going to the shore.  Others, more adventurous, including a possible 5K in some really fun location, or going to Nashville with my sister and my mom.  And then there are the experiences on my bucket list, which I had given up on -- traveling to South Africa and going on safari, going exploring in the Galapagos.

But for now, I am scared. 

Why Sleeve?

Why am I having the sleeve?  The answer is both quite simple and quite complex. 

The simple answer is that I am morbidly obese, with a BMI of 55, and I ma not ready to die.  There is way too much I still want to do in my life, much of which requires me to be able to walk, which is, if I am being entirely honest, not something I can do right now.

And that starts the more complex answer.  I have become so heavy that my body no longer works the way it used to.  It is very hard for me to walk more than a minute or so without losing my breath and breaking out in a full sweat.  My back hurts, my knees ache, my hips are stiff, and all I am trying to do is get from my car to my office in the morning.  Exercise, which I used to love, fills me with dread.  When I am invited to a professional meeting, social event, trip to the city, or to walk my dog with friends, it is all I can do to not have a full-on panic attack, wondering how close can I park to where I need to be, what will the temperature be (I don't want to walk into a meeting or party a hot mess), or how to explain that I do love my dog, I am not being lazy, but MY BODY HURTS.

It also gets in my way.  Once, riding in a taxi in NYC, I couldn't put the seatbelt on because it didn't fit.  I actually own an airline seatbelt extender, because up until recently I was a frequent traveler.  Going out to eat is a horrific experience -- what if I can't fit into the chair/booth?  What if the chair breaks beneath me? Yes, I have had that happen.

Sometimes when I drop things, I leave them there because I can't bend down. If the book I am looking for at the library is on the bottom shelf, I don't get it.  Same with items at the grocery store.  My stomach gets in the way.  Shoes with shoelaces?  Gave them up ages ago. 

So, I stay home.  I skip social outings unless they are places I know well and can navigate.  I ask colleagues to cover meetings for me if they require too much walking.  Can't remember the last time I went to the city to wander around, something I love doing.  Haven't been to one of my nephew's baseball games since late fall.  I am already wondering how close we can get to my niece's graduation venue.

I haven't ever told anyone this.  I have been embarrassed.  Somehow, it has been better for people to think I am anti-social than to tell them the truth, which is that I am afraid that I won't be able to do what they've invited me to.

I am tired of being afraid.  I am tired of sitting at home.  I am tired of missing out on so many things I love, and avoiding old friends who I haven't seen in decades, because I know they will be horrified by my morbid obesity.

You see, I wasn't always like this.  I was never skinny, but I was normal.  I ran.  I could run forever.  Same with walking.  I've walked entire European cities on my own.  I know what the possibilities are, and I am doing what I need to to return to them.

This blog will document my journey, and explain how it is I got to where I am, and how I hope to get to where I am going.  I am grateful to have you join me.