Tomorrow I begin the all-liquid phase of surgery prep. From tomorrow through August 11, I can have just three, milk-based protein shakes a day. I can supplement this with tea or coffee, other no-calorie drinks, chicken or beef broth, sugar-free Jell-o and sugar-free ice pops. And all the water I want. For the first time in this process, I am scared.
Let's be honest here -- if I was any good at limiting what I eat, I would not be in the situation I am in, nor would I be undergoing such extreme measures to lose weight. What if I try this and fail? And if I can't maintain control for this week, what does that mean for me post-surgery?
Different people prepare for this step in different ways. Some taper their shake-intake. That had been my plan, and for the most part, I have been having a shake most days for breakfast. I had hoped to increase that to two shakes a day this past week, but I decided to have a food funeral instead. So for the last week, I've chosen foods that I love and have lived on, and enjoyed them one last time.
Interestingly, I found that I didn't love the foods as much as I thought. I had a Big Mac and fries; I can live without them. Sesame chicken, a staple, actually gave me an upset stomach. The falafel sandwich I had been dreaming about didn't taste nearly as good as I remembered. And I think I have had my fill of pizza for a long, long time. My birthday burger and cosmo where great, but they were special occasion foods, so I am pretty okay with not having them again any time soon.
I am hoping that post-surgery, when I can go back to solid foods (about four weeks out), that I will be able to tolerate other foods I love, which are much healthier -- fish, eggs, vegetables. I've never been a big red meat or pork eater, and I only eat chicken if someone else cooks it -- and even then there are no promises. It does mean that I will need to plan better, make sure I have healthy food in the house, which can be cooked quickly. I will need to remember to snack in the afternoon, so that I am not ravenous when I get home from work.
Focusing on the positives will help, starting with walking my dog. Piper gets so excited whenever I pick up her leash -- she actually starts dancing! And doing things, without wondering about whether or not I can get from the car to my final destination without huffing and puffing and sweating like a pig. One of the things that I hope will keep me distracted during the difficult times is to create a list of things I want to do. Some will be small -- walking to the library or going to the shore. Others, more adventurous, including a possible 5K in some really fun location, or going to Nashville with my sister and my mom. And then there are the experiences on my bucket list, which I had given up on -- traveling to South Africa and going on safari, going exploring in the Galapagos.
But for now, I am scared.
Showing posts with label the Sleeve. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the Sleeve. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Monday, June 8, 2015
Why Sleeve?
Why am I having the sleeve? The answer is both quite simple and quite complex.
The simple answer is that I am morbidly obese, with a BMI of 55, and I ma not ready to die. There is way too much I still want to do in my life, much of which requires me to be able to walk, which is, if I am being entirely honest, not something I can do right now.
And that starts the more complex answer. I have become so heavy that my body no longer works the way it used to. It is very hard for me to walk more than a minute or so without losing my breath and breaking out in a full sweat. My back hurts, my knees ache, my hips are stiff, and all I am trying to do is get from my car to my office in the morning. Exercise, which I used to love, fills me with dread. When I am invited to a professional meeting, social event, trip to the city, or to walk my dog with friends, it is all I can do to not have a full-on panic attack, wondering how close can I park to where I need to be, what will the temperature be (I don't want to walk into a meeting or party a hot mess), or how to explain that I do love my dog, I am not being lazy, but MY BODY HURTS.
It also gets in my way. Once, riding in a taxi in NYC, I couldn't put the seatbelt on because it didn't fit. I actually own an airline seatbelt extender, because up until recently I was a frequent traveler. Going out to eat is a horrific experience -- what if I can't fit into the chair/booth? What if the chair breaks beneath me? Yes, I have had that happen.
Sometimes when I drop things, I leave them there because I can't bend down. If the book I am looking for at the library is on the bottom shelf, I don't get it. Same with items at the grocery store. My stomach gets in the way. Shoes with shoelaces? Gave them up ages ago.
So, I stay home. I skip social outings unless they are places I know well and can navigate. I ask colleagues to cover meetings for me if they require too much walking. Can't remember the last time I went to the city to wander around, something I love doing. Haven't been to one of my nephew's baseball games since late fall. I am already wondering how close we can get to my niece's graduation venue.
I haven't ever told anyone this. I have been embarrassed. Somehow, it has been better for people to think I am anti-social than to tell them the truth, which is that I am afraid that I won't be able to do what they've invited me to.
I am tired of being afraid. I am tired of sitting at home. I am tired of missing out on so many things I love, and avoiding old friends who I haven't seen in decades, because I know they will be horrified by my morbid obesity.
You see, I wasn't always like this. I was never skinny, but I was normal. I ran. I could run forever. Same with walking. I've walked entire European cities on my own. I know what the possibilities are, and I am doing what I need to to return to them.
This blog will document my journey, and explain how it is I got to where I am, and how I hope to get to where I am going. I am grateful to have you join me.
The simple answer is that I am morbidly obese, with a BMI of 55, and I ma not ready to die. There is way too much I still want to do in my life, much of which requires me to be able to walk, which is, if I am being entirely honest, not something I can do right now.
And that starts the more complex answer. I have become so heavy that my body no longer works the way it used to. It is very hard for me to walk more than a minute or so without losing my breath and breaking out in a full sweat. My back hurts, my knees ache, my hips are stiff, and all I am trying to do is get from my car to my office in the morning. Exercise, which I used to love, fills me with dread. When I am invited to a professional meeting, social event, trip to the city, or to walk my dog with friends, it is all I can do to not have a full-on panic attack, wondering how close can I park to where I need to be, what will the temperature be (I don't want to walk into a meeting or party a hot mess), or how to explain that I do love my dog, I am not being lazy, but MY BODY HURTS.
It also gets in my way. Once, riding in a taxi in NYC, I couldn't put the seatbelt on because it didn't fit. I actually own an airline seatbelt extender, because up until recently I was a frequent traveler. Going out to eat is a horrific experience -- what if I can't fit into the chair/booth? What if the chair breaks beneath me? Yes, I have had that happen.
Sometimes when I drop things, I leave them there because I can't bend down. If the book I am looking for at the library is on the bottom shelf, I don't get it. Same with items at the grocery store. My stomach gets in the way. Shoes with shoelaces? Gave them up ages ago.
So, I stay home. I skip social outings unless they are places I know well and can navigate. I ask colleagues to cover meetings for me if they require too much walking. Can't remember the last time I went to the city to wander around, something I love doing. Haven't been to one of my nephew's baseball games since late fall. I am already wondering how close we can get to my niece's graduation venue.
I haven't ever told anyone this. I have been embarrassed. Somehow, it has been better for people to think I am anti-social than to tell them the truth, which is that I am afraid that I won't be able to do what they've invited me to.
I am tired of being afraid. I am tired of sitting at home. I am tired of missing out on so many things I love, and avoiding old friends who I haven't seen in decades, because I know they will be horrified by my morbid obesity.
You see, I wasn't always like this. I was never skinny, but I was normal. I ran. I could run forever. Same with walking. I've walked entire European cities on my own. I know what the possibilities are, and I am doing what I need to to return to them.
This blog will document my journey, and explain how it is I got to where I am, and how I hope to get to where I am going. I am grateful to have you join me.
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