Why Sleeve?

Why am I having the sleeve?  The answer is both quite simple and quite complex. 

The simple answer is that I am morbidly obese, with a BMI of 55, and I ma not ready to die.  There is way too much I still want to do in my life, much of which requires me to be able to walk, which is, if I am being entirely honest, not something I can do right now.

And that starts the more complex answer.  I have become so heavy that my body no longer works the way it used to.  It is very hard for me to walk more than a minute or so without losing my breath and breaking out in a full sweat.  My back hurts, my knees ache, my hips are stiff, and all I am trying to do is get from my car to my office in the morning.  Exercise, which I used to love, fills me with dread.  When I am invited to a professional meeting, social event, trip to the city, or to walk my dog with friends, it is all I can do to not have a full-on panic attack, wondering how close can I park to where I need to be, what will the temperature be (I don't want to walk into a meeting or party a hot mess), or how to explain that I do love my dog, I am not being lazy, but MY BODY HURTS.

It also gets in my way.  Once, riding in a taxi in NYC, I couldn't put the seatbelt on because it didn't fit.  I actually own an airline seatbelt extender, because up until recently I was a frequent traveler.  Going out to eat is a horrific experience -- what if I can't fit into the chair/booth?  What if the chair breaks beneath me? Yes, I have had that happen.

Sometimes when I drop things, I leave them there because I can't bend down. If the book I am looking for at the library is on the bottom shelf, I don't get it.  Same with items at the grocery store.  My stomach gets in the way.  Shoes with shoelaces?  Gave them up ages ago. 

So, I stay home.  I skip social outings unless they are places I know well and can navigate.  I ask colleagues to cover meetings for me if they require too much walking.  Can't remember the last time I went to the city to wander around, something I love doing.  Haven't been to one of my nephew's baseball games since late fall.  I am already wondering how close we can get to my niece's graduation venue.

I haven't ever told anyone this.  I have been embarrassed.  Somehow, it has been better for people to think I am anti-social than to tell them the truth, which is that I am afraid that I won't be able to do what they've invited me to.

I am tired of being afraid.  I am tired of sitting at home.  I am tired of missing out on so many things I love, and avoiding old friends who I haven't seen in decades, because I know they will be horrified by my morbid obesity.

You see, I wasn't always like this.  I was never skinny, but I was normal.  I ran.  I could run forever.  Same with walking.  I've walked entire European cities on my own.  I know what the possibilities are, and I am doing what I need to to return to them.

This blog will document my journey, and explain how it is I got to where I am, and how I hope to get to where I am going.  I am grateful to have you join me.